I woke up on day three of my dad being in hospital feeling even more ill. Come to think of it, I have caught everything under the sun since then - hopefully that is over now. However I digress. I was not going to go up to see him that day, however how could I not. The thought of him alone in that room bothered the hell out of me. I called a good friend and she went down with me.
When I got to his room, I was pleased to see he had other visitors - people he worked with and that I knew he cared deeply for (he would mention them all of the time and how much he admired them - so although I am not naming them here, if and when they read this, they will know who they are). I had my 'nurse' mindset going in that evening. I walked in, asked him how he was doing, looked at his chart, got a cold cloth and dabbed his forehead etc. My friend pulled me aside at one point and told me to put the caretaker aside and just be the daughter, something I was having trouble doing because I felt that by being the caretaker, I was not letting it complete devastate me (how sick he really was). It was my way of staying sane.
The next day, the 4th day (The Monday) I did not go in. I knew I was getting sicker and sicker and needed a day at home. That did not stop me from calling almost every hour just to see how he was doing - I am sure I pissed off more then one nurse calling. Finally he called me. My neighbour and friend had taken Sean and the girls in for dinner so I was alone in my room when he called. He sounded horrible - worse then I had ever heard him. I know he was on something as he sounded slightly high, but he also sounded like a complete stranger. We made small talk (because I knew his breathing was not making it easy on him to talk) and both laughed at the fact that we were eating out dinner in bed. I told him I loved him and hung up the phone at the end. When Sean and the kids came home however, I called him back so he could say goodnight to Ariana. I will always remember Ariana's part of the conversation:
I don't know why I was so determined to have her talk to him that night. Maybe I knew? Either way, it was the last time she ever had a back and forth conversation with him. I went to bed that night, willing myself to feel better for morning. I was my dads emergency contact so I slept with the phone next to me all night and woke up the next day (Day 5) with no missed calls - which I thought was a good thing.
I called the hospital to let them know I would be in later in the afternoon. The nurse patched me through to his doctor right away however - something I found strange. The doctor came on and asked me if I knew my Dad had a DNR (Do not resuscitate). I did and I didn't... I knew he had one where if he was 100% brain dead on machines, take him off. I did not know he had a basic DNR for even a heart attack. I asked the doctor why he was asking me this and he said "Your father had respiratory failure again last night and a cardiac arrest". My heart fucking sunk. He told me I needed to come in soon and talk to Dad about this and find out exactly what his wishes were. At this point we were told that with the COPD and pneumonia, that his kidneys were starting to fail. They wanted to put him on dialysis to see if it would help, and he was refusing to use the nebulizer. They mentioned that in ICU they could put him on a breathing tube in order to clean out his lungs and they could do dialysis in there as well.
My neighbour came over with a 'Living Will' kit and we filled it out - putting myself as his medical authority. Dad and I had discussed this in the past and he always said he would not sign such a thing. I was unsure of taking it, thinking he would just wave it away. We got to the hospital (Myself, Sean and Larissa - Ariana was in school) and Sean got to see him for the first time in the hospital. I tried warning him but I don't think he fully understood just how shitty Dad looked. Dad had the nebulizer on and was obviously NOT happy about it. I walked over, kissed his cheek, put a cool cloth on his head (he had this crazy sweating going on every day although it was not hot in the room and he was not hot temp wise) and looked him the eyes and told him about the DNR and if he signs this paper giving me authority, I can have him in ICU, intubated and on dialysis to see if it can help or fix him. He grabbed the paper out of my hands and signed it. I promised him that if it didn't help at all after a few days, we would take him off of the life support. He just looked so tired and I was sure I was doing the right thing.
Later that day, Sean had to go home to pick up Ariana so I stayed by myself. God that was hard. I had to wait two hours to see him because of the intubation. Before they put the tubes in, I told him I would be there all day, and that I loved him. I asked him if he wanted me to get married, like now, so that he could be there - he said no, not until he got out of hospital. I then asked if he wanted to see both girls before the intubation and he replied he would see them at Christmas. I tearfully held his hand and then left the room so they could start the procedure. The next time I saw him, he was out cold. He looked like he was sleeping which was good, but all of the machines scared the shit out of me. I just sat and held his hand before going home for the night.
When I got to his room, I was pleased to see he had other visitors - people he worked with and that I knew he cared deeply for (he would mention them all of the time and how much he admired them - so although I am not naming them here, if and when they read this, they will know who they are). I had my 'nurse' mindset going in that evening. I walked in, asked him how he was doing, looked at his chart, got a cold cloth and dabbed his forehead etc. My friend pulled me aside at one point and told me to put the caretaker aside and just be the daughter, something I was having trouble doing because I felt that by being the caretaker, I was not letting it complete devastate me (how sick he really was). It was my way of staying sane.
The next day, the 4th day (The Monday) I did not go in. I knew I was getting sicker and sicker and needed a day at home. That did not stop me from calling almost every hour just to see how he was doing - I am sure I pissed off more then one nurse calling. Finally he called me. My neighbour and friend had taken Sean and the girls in for dinner so I was alone in my room when he called. He sounded horrible - worse then I had ever heard him. I know he was on something as he sounded slightly high, but he also sounded like a complete stranger. We made small talk (because I knew his breathing was not making it easy on him to talk) and both laughed at the fact that we were eating out dinner in bed. I told him I loved him and hung up the phone at the end. When Sean and the kids came home however, I called him back so he could say goodnight to Ariana. I will always remember Ariana's part of the conversation:
Ariana: Grandpa are you sick?Ariana: Are you my mommy's daddy?Ariana: Well that is why I love you so much!
I don't know why I was so determined to have her talk to him that night. Maybe I knew? Either way, it was the last time she ever had a back and forth conversation with him. I went to bed that night, willing myself to feel better for morning. I was my dads emergency contact so I slept with the phone next to me all night and woke up the next day (Day 5) with no missed calls - which I thought was a good thing.
I called the hospital to let them know I would be in later in the afternoon. The nurse patched me through to his doctor right away however - something I found strange. The doctor came on and asked me if I knew my Dad had a DNR (Do not resuscitate). I did and I didn't... I knew he had one where if he was 100% brain dead on machines, take him off. I did not know he had a basic DNR for even a heart attack. I asked the doctor why he was asking me this and he said "Your father had respiratory failure again last night and a cardiac arrest". My heart fucking sunk. He told me I needed to come in soon and talk to Dad about this and find out exactly what his wishes were. At this point we were told that with the COPD and pneumonia, that his kidneys were starting to fail. They wanted to put him on dialysis to see if it would help, and he was refusing to use the nebulizer. They mentioned that in ICU they could put him on a breathing tube in order to clean out his lungs and they could do dialysis in there as well.
My neighbour came over with a 'Living Will' kit and we filled it out - putting myself as his medical authority. Dad and I had discussed this in the past and he always said he would not sign such a thing. I was unsure of taking it, thinking he would just wave it away. We got to the hospital (Myself, Sean and Larissa - Ariana was in school) and Sean got to see him for the first time in the hospital. I tried warning him but I don't think he fully understood just how shitty Dad looked. Dad had the nebulizer on and was obviously NOT happy about it. I walked over, kissed his cheek, put a cool cloth on his head (he had this crazy sweating going on every day although it was not hot in the room and he was not hot temp wise) and looked him the eyes and told him about the DNR and if he signs this paper giving me authority, I can have him in ICU, intubated and on dialysis to see if it can help or fix him. He grabbed the paper out of my hands and signed it. I promised him that if it didn't help at all after a few days, we would take him off of the life support. He just looked so tired and I was sure I was doing the right thing.
Later that day, Sean had to go home to pick up Ariana so I stayed by myself. God that was hard. I had to wait two hours to see him because of the intubation. Before they put the tubes in, I told him I would be there all day, and that I loved him. I asked him if he wanted me to get married, like now, so that he could be there - he said no, not until he got out of hospital. I then asked if he wanted to see both girls before the intubation and he replied he would see them at Christmas. I tearfully held his hand and then left the room so they could start the procedure. The next time I saw him, he was out cold. He looked like he was sleeping which was good, but all of the machines scared the shit out of me. I just sat and held his hand before going home for the night.
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